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[seductless]

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action; after she checks up on his hungover remains

[zewu_jun]

[Once he's feeling well enough, Lan Xichen shows up at Grace's door. Because he did say he would and he wants to pay her back for checking on him. He brings tea and some snacks, because that is what he's been told is the best practice to take with friends. Waiting at the door with gifts in hand, he knocks on her door, at least looking clean and orderly again.]

[seductless]

[ It only takes a moment before the door pulls open and Grace appears in the space to give him a considering look. Which melts into a smile quickly enough. ]

Zewu-jun. You look well.

[ Better than she'd feared, given his responses earlier. But she just steps to the side to let him in, biting back a laugh. ]

How is your head?

[zewu_jun]

[He laughs quietly at both her look and the apparent conclusion she comes to looking at him. He cannot look as well as she says.]

Hah, you're too generous. I am recovering, though, thank you. I should be fine soon enough, but I wanted to thank you for checking on me.

And... I brought tea.

[seductless]

That's very kind of you.

[ She's still struggling not to laugh a bit as she shuts the door behind him, but the fact that he seems in well enough spirits is a relief. Grace had worried, a bit, that he'd find the aftermath much harder. But either she was mistaken or he's hiding it better than she expected.

Still, she gestures towards the little table in her rooms. ]

Please, make yourself comfortable.

[zewu_jun]

[He is a Lan, and a good Lan will make himself presentable even if he's physically suffering to the point of being near death. That is all part of being a good gentleman. If he looks a bit pale and not entirely at his best, at least the First Jade generally has a clean appearance and good posture. He smiles a he goes to the table she points out and carefully begins setting up the tea set he brought with him.

Because after receiving tea, of course finding a set would take priority. It's much less elaborate than the one he used at home, but it's still good quality.]

Thank you for your hospitality. I wish I had more to offer you.

[seductless]

[ This time she does laugh, an easy sound as she settles into one of the other seats. ]

I promise you I don't need much. Good company, perhaps.

[ Well, she may have had good intentions to no tease him, but it's a little hard to resist. The clearly practiced ritual of his movements catches her attention, though, and she watches the process with interest rather than trying to get in the way. ]

[zewu_jun]

Mm, but I felt much better after talking to you earlier. It was difficult for me, and I want to be able to return to you the relief you gave me. Being able to speak to someone... It's been a while since I've been able to do that.

[He carefully sets each cup and tool down in their right place, fingers moving them delicately into position with fractions of turns until they look the way they should. He even pulls out a small container of water that he brought specifically for the tea, because it has to be good quality.]

I hope my company will at least suffice.

[seductless]

Of course it does.

[ That's an easy one. There are few other people she's felt so comfortable around so quickly, and Grace can't help but feel grateful that the sentiment seems to be returned. ]

You can talk to me any time, you know. [ Her smile shifts a little, almost a private joke. ] I'm a very good listener.

[zewu_jun]

[Just the word of agreement is enough to get him to relax, even if it doesn't show very much in his movements. He's still carefully making the tea and adding a small plate to the table while it steeps, following a prescribed routine that he knows by heart. A small tea cake ends up on the plate, and as Xichen pours the tea into a cup for Grace, he glances up to catch her eyes.]

Then I shall trouble you for a bit longer while we are here. In truth, I am not sure what to think of last night.

[He gently moves the cup and plate toward her, eyes drifting down to the table.]

[seductless]

Oh?

[ She reaches out to take the cup but just wraps both hands around it for a long moment, letting the warmth of it sink into her palms. ]

How so?

[zewu_jun]

[He smiles, but he keeps his head down, laughing with just a breath.]

I should not have done that. I know it was wrong, and if I were at home, I would have been punished when I awoke. Waking up to your message was a sign that I truly am far from home with nothing familiar to me.

On my way here, I thought of how the Grand Master would be upset to learn that the Sect Leader acted like a child, sneaking behind his back, and I wanted to hear it. He would be enraged.

[seductless]

[ There's a pause while Grace waits to see if he'll add anything else, and then another as she sips at her tea and tries to gather her thoughts. ]

I think we can't help but cling to familiarity in a place that has very little of it. [ Her voice is a little quieter as she cradles the cup in her hands again. ] And so even the things we didn't necessarily like or want, we find ourselves missing.

[ One side of her mouth tugs into a slightly dry expression. Does she mean Lan Xichen, now, or herself? Is there a difference? ]

[zewu_jun]

Mm. [He waits as well, but more to see if she'll drink the tea he poured her. After a bit of finding Grace isn't drinking the tea, Xichen nods.]

But I was happy to talk to you. Even though I was wrong and I won't drink again, having you talk to me was worth it. It's different from home, but I am glad to have the experience.

Is this what you meant before? Learning from your senses?

action; some time after post bonding crisis

[zewu_jun]

[Lan Xichen doesn't entirely mean to end up where he does. His thoughts are in such disarray that he isn't sure so much where he is going as to where he isn't. Going home will be putting him close to Jin Guangyao, and he doesn't want to draw close until he's managed to properly calm down and can try to soothe his friend. He can't appear in front of Nie Mingjue or Lan Wangji, because as soon as they get wind of any sort of problem, they'll assume the worst and might lash out. He needs to get his emotions under control and restore his center--and the one person he thinks of that always has a calming effect on him is blessedly not involved in his personal problems. So he ends up at Grace's door, knocking with a desperate hope that she's in and looking a little wrung out, having dried tear stains on his face and a pallid look, but determination on his face through that.]

Please... I don't want to disturb you. I just need a little time to collect myself.

[seductless]

[ The door is promptly answered with Grace's usual smile, though the expression rapidly shifts into something like concern as she gets a good look at him. Not just a friendly visit then. ]

Of course. [ The response is almost automatic as she steps to the side and all but propels him through the door and towards the sitting area. Once he seems to be getting settled, Grace immediately moves to begin putting the water on for tea.

Which has the added bonus of putting the bulk of her attention elsewhere, in case he needs it for the next question. ]

Did something happen?

[zewu_jun]

[Although he is red eyed and still a bit shaky, Lan Xichen does manage to keep a soft voice and mostly composed appearance as far as his hair and robes are arranged. He's doing his best to maintain some look of decency after crying for what is now too many times after just getting his brothers back. That should probably be a warning sign, but he has never really noticed the correlation before.]

I... made a judgment, but I'm afraid I wasn't prepared. I thought I knew, but I am still not close to understanding anything. I need your advice.

[Because he definitely hasn't given up this choice of his. It's a question of regaining control.]

You believe that even the most difficult experiences have merit. Has there been any you thought too hard? Any that you would give back if you could?

[seductless]

[ She falls quiet for a moment, the only sounds the quiet noise of her setting out cups and then pouring out the tea. But Grace's expression is thoughtful as she makes her way over and presses one of the cups into his hands. ]

There are some that I could wish were a little easier. [ She says finally as she sinks into one of the other chairs. ] But all of them have made me into who I am now. It is...hard to regret that, in it's entirety.

[zewu_jun]

[Having the contact and warmth quiets some of his desperation and Lan Xichen cradles the cup, obediently following her lead and sitting in a chair to receive the drink properly. Still scattered and not behaving as he should, he lowers his eyes, realizing he should have approached everything in respectful time and with manners first, not rushing to her like a child would. He has the presence of mind to at least be embarrassed for himself, although part of that comes from relief at hearing her say that.]

Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't ask if I was interrupting you. And I should have waited. I don't have a gift... I hope you will forgive me for all of this.

[seductless]

[ Despite herself, Grace can't help but smile slightly. ]

I told you that you were welcome. I didn't mean only when you bring gifts.

[ They hardly seem necessary in the first place, but she's learned to chose her battles with him, to a degree. And part of her suspects that this might be avoidance anyway. She lets the silence settle for a moment before she leans in. ]

You don't have to tell me. But I'm willing to listen, if you wish to.

[zewu_jun]

[He hesitates in the pause Grace gives him, because holding onto this last thread, Lan Xichen is afraid that he'll no longer be welcome if she becomes angry as well. There is no real reason to assume that she would turn him out, but the instinct of dread still lingers as he clings to the calm she always offers him.]

I... I'm afraid it is difficult to explain. Putting it too simply would be unkind, but I do not wish to defend any wrongdoing either.

[He looks up with a smile that threatens to shatter.]

My brother is angry with me. [Lets start there.] I have not angered him in, I believe, all our lives. I feel I have betrayed him and myself.

[seductless]

[ She tips her head slightly as she listens. Family is, unfortunately, a place where she can claim no experience at all, but if Lan Xichen has come to her for help, than she will do her best to offer it. ]

Does he feel betrayed? [ Guilt, or a larger issue? From what she knows of her friend she can't imagine the latter, but if it is as complicated as he says than there may be multiple problems in place. ]

[zewu_jun]

[Lan Xichen nods. Betrayed doesn't really cover it, but he is still trying to find his footing.]

Recently, we were reminded of something from the past. It caused a great deal of suffering and conflict among many people, my brother included. There were those that were wronged on all sides and some grudges are still being felt. We even had someone return here who also suffered greatly and he also carries resentment from what happened. But I feel those debts have already been paid.

[The last sentence comes out firmly, because he really does believe that.]

I do not condone what occurred or the injuries they suffered, but the punishments have already been met.

[seductless]

And your brother disagrees. [ It's a murmur, but not a question. Grace has no difficulty reading between those lines.

But she can already see how something like this might be messy enough to drive Lan Xichen to her door. Anything involving grudges and resentments rarely heals quite so cleanly as some might hope. Grace leans back to sip at her tea, taking the moment or so to put her thoughts into order. ]

Is it something you feel you -- either of you -- can move past?

[zewu_jun]

I am not sure.

[That is the most honest feeling he can express about the matter. He just doesn't know what to think.]

I tried to let go of my feelings so that at least they would be satisfied, but- when I look back, I do not see what they see. And I also have to be true to that, or else there was no reason for me to come here.

[Whether Wangji can move past the danger will just depend on Jin Guangyao, and Xichen can't say what will happen yet.]

I just wish for those things to be laid down for now. Not everything can be solved with a sword.

[seductless]

[ If this were any other conversation, Grace might say something teasing about perhaps swords could be useful just long enough for everyone to get it out of their systems, but she is not blind to the fact that this is very much not the time for that sort of humor. There's something about how Lan Xichen is holding himself that makes her worry that the wrong movement might shatter him entirely, and that would be a very poor way to return this sort of trust. ]

Have you told him that? Perhaps a temporary ceasefire is what you need.

[ Far be it from Grace to recommend avoidance, but perhaps just long enough to let the most volatile of emotions settle a bit. ]