[It's not so much that either Mingjue or Wangji don't care about his feelings, but that they are right about their own pain and fears. He is certainly wrong, even Jin Guangyao probably thinks as much, but what can he do?]
I am foolish. I'm sorry, Grace-jie. I've intruded with problems that must sound childish to you.
Childish? [ She can't help but laugh softly. ] No. These sorts of hurts belong to more than just children. It's a true pain, being at odds with those you care about.
[ But he does have a tendency to downplay his own emotions, her friend. As much as she'd like to convince him that he is entitled to whatever he feels, he'd come to her specifically for a chance to compose himself. It's something that makes her smile, with just a hint of something wry. ]
[Something in the words Grace chooses brings the pain back up again. Lan Xichen starts to answer, fails to find anything to say, and closes his lips again. He holds his tea half-poised, breaths coming through his teeth as he fights off any tension in his body. Once he can manages a few drinks from his cup without wavering, he tries again.]
What would you do if you could not give someone what they really wanted?
[ There comes a point where being oblique obscures meaning, but there's a safety in it that's hard to let go of. Grace wants so badly to help, but this might be another area in which she falls short. Irony, for a creature meant to inspire wants and desires.
She leans forward slowly to rest her hands in her lap, still clasped around her half-full cup. ]
Zewu-jun, I don't know. I'm sorry. I suppose the decision must eventually come whether it hurts more not to give, or to know the want goes unfulfilled.
[The warmth and kind gesture go a long way. He appreciates the gentle touch and genuine concern, things that are strangely foreign these days.]
You're right. Even if I do not have it in my power, I shouldn't be selfish. If it can be found elsewhere, then I shall try to encourage that. If not, I will do what else I can.
I'm sorry for acting so out of sorts. I have been very tired lately.
I will gladly do so if ever you need anything from me.
[There's a bit of confusion when she takes the cup, because he's forgotten about it already. It probably shows how distracted he is. And while he settles down and means to just meditate, after only about ten or so minutes, it becomes obvious he's asleep when A-Zhan comes crawling out of his sleeve, poking around curiously and perching on Lan Xichen's head to scout around.]
[ So softly, in deference to Lan Xichen's sleep, but Grace moves closer to offer her hand down to the squirrel. As stressful as the conversation had been, she can't help an easier smile now. ]
Why don't you come sit with me for a bit while he rests.
[A-Zhan gets a good look around before leaving Lan Xichen's head for the much more stable and nicer place on Grace's hand. It looks up at her with big eyes that absolutely want something, while Lan Xichen miraculously stays in place. It's probably a testament to Lan training that he can stay in that position while unconscious.]
[ And as promised, she crosses over to the table to set A-Zhan down before moving to fetch the small container of nuts she's taken to keeping for just such a purpose. A small detour to also take one of her books and she makes herself comfortable there, scattering a few of the nuts out for the squirrel so that it doesn't try to eat all of them at once.
It's a comfortable enough way to spend an afternoon. ]
[It's a good hour before Lan Xichen wakes up and when he does, he's found his way to the floor, lying on his side with his hair and robes spread out behind him like a beached merman, although much less elegant as he comes to. A-Zhan, luckily a very behaved pet and happy to keep Grace company for the meantime, spent the nap sitting on or by her and eating or grooming itself until it noticed the movement. As Lan Xichen sits up, it starts running all around Grace's shoulders and over her head excitedly.]
[ Grace had been happy enough to give Lan Xichen his space as he rested, reading quietly while A-Zhan explored, though she's been keeping an ear out enough that she glances over the moment he begins to stir. And really, she likely should have nudged him awake as soon as he'd ended up on the ground, but it hadn't seemed to bother him any. And he had clearly needed the rest. ]
You fell asleep.
[ She braces her elbow on the table and leans her chin on her upturned hand, not quite managing to hide a smile. Almost absently, she stretches out one wing to let A-Zhan run the length of it, clearly something with experience behind it. ]
[While Lan Xichen arranges himself and recovers from his surprise nap, A-Zhan races along Grace's wings, jumping from the backs and to her shoulders again as it apparently celebrates its other companion rising from the dead.]
Heavy. I apologize. I didn't mean to spend my time here sleeping. Ah-
[As he gets up and brushes down his robes, he realizes the squirrel is running all over Grace like it owns her.]
A-Zhan, what are you doing? Stop that.
[He goes over to the table and puts out his hand and the little squirrel leaps and glides over to him, spinning around in his palm a few times before settling in to groom itself. Lan Xichen sighs with soft resignation.]
I think he is bored because I have been busy lately. He's acting out.
As long as he was behaving. Running around like that inside is impolite, A-Zhan. Be a good boy.
[His scolding is really light no matter what he says and the squirrel just keeps grooming itself, oblivious to any sort of lesson being imparted from above.]
Ah, am I not doing well? I really was just tired...
[ Grace just smiles and politely doesn't mention that if he was tired enough to fall asleep sitting up, there is probably an issue somewhere. Undoubtedly he doesn't need her to point it out. ]
Blanket request. I would just hate to see you run yourself into the ground. [ She pauses and then laughs softly. ] Not that you aren't always welcome here.
[That is definitely a worrying thought. He doesn't want to cause anyone trouble, and being exhausted to the point of injury certainly doesn't help anyone else. Lan Xichen sets A-Zhan on his shoulder and goes to sit back at the table near Grace.]
[ She blinks and finds herself straightening a little, an instinctive response to the sudden change in tone. Grace studies him for a moment, searching, before her expression goes a bit wry. ]
That would be hard to quantify. [ They've never actually discussed this, have they? Somehow it just hasn't come up. Grace takes a breath, but in the end it's not all that difficult. ] I've done a number of truly terrible things in my time.
You do not have to answer. I'm asking because I wish to know how you can tell if they were worth it.
[Which is still a complicated and difficult question, Xichen.]
Until recently, I have always had clear lines with which to tell what actions were worthy and what ones were too much. If nothing else, motivation at least could tell someone's true character. But... the world is not that simple, is it?
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[It's not so much that either Mingjue or Wangji don't care about his feelings, but that they are right about their own pain and fears. He is certainly wrong, even Jin Guangyao probably thinks as much, but what can he do?]
I am foolish. I'm sorry, Grace-jie. I've intruded with problems that must sound childish to you.
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[ But he does have a tendency to downplay his own emotions, her friend. As much as she'd like to convince him that he is entitled to whatever he feels, he'd come to her specifically for a chance to compose himself. It's something that makes her smile, with just a hint of something wry. ]
I'm only sorry I can't offer more.
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What would you do if you could not give someone what they really wanted?
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When she speaks again, her voice is careful. ] I suppose that would depend on what they wanted. And how badly I wanted them to have it.
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[Which is about as sure has he as ever been about anything in his life.]
If I could give it, I would.
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Is it something they could find elsewhere, or from you alone?
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[And here he gives the slightest frown.]
But I would prefer not to ask someone else to do it.
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She leans forward slowly to rest her hands in her lap, still clasped around her half-full cup. ]
Zewu-jun, I don't know. I'm sorry. I suppose the decision must eventually come whether it hurts more not to give, or to know the want goes unfulfilled.
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You're right. Even if I do not have it in my power, I shouldn't be selfish. If it can be found elsewhere, then I shall try to encourage that. If not, I will do what else I can.
I'm sorry for acting so out of sorts. I have been very tired lately.
[He shakes his head as if to brush that way.]
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[ She opens her mouth, hesitates, and then pushes forward anyway. ]
Rest here, if you like.
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[He should decline respectfully and give her a chance to change the offer, but he's exhausted and falls short on the courtesy there.]
Thank you, and for listening as well.
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[ That, she has no doubts about. She smiles slightly and finds her feet, reaching to take the still-full teacup from him. ]
Take what time you need.
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[There's a bit of confusion when she takes the cup, because he's forgotten about it already. It probably shows how distracted he is. And while he settles down and means to just meditate, after only about ten or so minutes, it becomes obvious he's asleep when A-Zhan comes crawling out of his sleeve, poking around curiously and perching on Lan Xichen's head to scout around.]
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[ So softly, in deference to Lan Xichen's sleep, but Grace moves closer to offer her hand down to the squirrel. As stressful as the conversation had been, she can't help an easier smile now. ]
Why don't you come sit with me for a bit while he rests.
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[ And as promised, she crosses over to the table to set A-Zhan down before moving to fetch the small container of nuts she's taken to keeping for just such a purpose. A small detour to also take one of her books and she makes herself comfortable there, scattering a few of the nuts out for the squirrel so that it doesn't try to eat all of them at once.
It's a comfortable enough way to spend an afternoon. ]
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Ah... what happened?
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You fell asleep.
[ She braces her elbow on the table and leans her chin on her upturned hand, not quite managing to hide a smile. Almost absently, she stretches out one wing to let A-Zhan run the length of it, clearly something with experience behind it. ]
How do you feel?
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Heavy. I apologize. I didn't mean to spend my time here sleeping. Ah-
[As he gets up and brushes down his robes, he realizes the squirrel is running all over Grace like it owns her.]
A-Zhan, what are you doing? Stop that.
[He goes over to the table and puts out his hand and the little squirrel leaps and glides over to him, spinning around in his palm a few times before settling in to groom itself. Lan Xichen sighs with soft resignation.]
I think he is bored because I have been busy lately. He's acting out.
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It's alright. [ Which part? All of it, most likely. ] We've been keeping each other company. Zewu-jun..
[ She trails off as she shifts back upright, smile fading a little but still in place. It's a fond look, if a quiet one. ]
Take care of yourself, will you?
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[His scolding is really light no matter what he says and the squirrel just keeps grooming itself, oblivious to any sort of lesson being imparted from above.]
Ah, am I not doing well? I really was just tired...
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Blanket request. I would just hate to see you run yourself into the ground. [ She pauses and then laughs softly. ] Not that you aren't always welcome here.
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What is the worst thing you have ever done?
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That would be hard to quantify. [ They've never actually discussed this, have they? Somehow it just hasn't come up. Grace takes a breath, but in the end it's not all that difficult. ] I've done a number of truly terrible things in my time.
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[Which is still a complicated and difficult question, Xichen.]
Until recently, I have always had clear lines with which to tell what actions were worthy and what ones were too much. If nothing else, motivation at least could tell someone's true character. But... the world is not that simple, is it?
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