[Lan Xichen doesn't entirely mean to end up where he does. His thoughts are in such disarray that he isn't sure so much where he is going as to where he isn't. Going home will be putting him close to Jin Guangyao, and he doesn't want to draw close until he's managed to properly calm down and can try to soothe his friend. He can't appear in front of Nie Mingjue or Lan Wangji, because as soon as they get wind of any sort of problem, they'll assume the worst and might lash out. He needs to get his emotions under control and restore his center--and the one person he thinks of that always has a calming effect on him is blessedly not involved in his personal problems. So he ends up at Grace's door, knocking with a desperate hope that she's in and looking a little wrung out, having dried tear stains on his face and a pallid look, but determination on his face through that.]
Please... I don't want to disturb you. I just need a little time to collect myself.
[ The door is promptly answered with Grace's usual smile, though the expression rapidly shifts into something like concern as she gets a good look at him. Not just a friendly visit then. ]
Of course. [ The response is almost automatic as she steps to the side and all but propels him through the door and towards the sitting area. Once he seems to be getting settled, Grace immediately moves to begin putting the water on for tea.
Which has the added bonus of putting the bulk of her attention elsewhere, in case he needs it for the next question. ]
[Although he is red eyed and still a bit shaky, Lan Xichen does manage to keep a soft voice and mostly composed appearance as far as his hair and robes are arranged. He's doing his best to maintain some look of decency after crying for what is now too many times after just getting his brothers back. That should probably be a warning sign, but he has never really noticed the correlation before.]
I... made a judgment, but I'm afraid I wasn't prepared. I thought I knew, but I am still not close to understanding anything. I need your advice.
[Because he definitely hasn't given up this choice of his. It's a question of regaining control.]
You believe that even the most difficult experiences have merit. Has there been any you thought too hard? Any that you would give back if you could?
[ She falls quiet for a moment, the only sounds the quiet noise of her setting out cups and then pouring out the tea. But Grace's expression is thoughtful as she makes her way over and presses one of the cups into his hands. ]
There are some that I could wish were a little easier. [ She says finally as she sinks into one of the other chairs. ] But all of them have made me into who I am now. It is...hard to regret that, in it's entirety.
[Having the contact and warmth quiets some of his desperation and Lan Xichen cradles the cup, obediently following her lead and sitting in a chair to receive the drink properly. Still scattered and not behaving as he should, he lowers his eyes, realizing he should have approached everything in respectful time and with manners first, not rushing to her like a child would. He has the presence of mind to at least be embarrassed for himself, although part of that comes from relief at hearing her say that.]
Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't ask if I was interrupting you. And I should have waited. I don't have a gift... I hope you will forgive me for all of this.
[ Despite herself, Grace can't help but smile slightly. ]
I told you that you were welcome. I didn't mean only when you bring gifts.
[ They hardly seem necessary in the first place, but she's learned to chose her battles with him, to a degree. And part of her suspects that this might be avoidance anyway. She lets the silence settle for a moment before she leans in. ]
You don't have to tell me. But I'm willing to listen, if you wish to.
[He hesitates in the pause Grace gives him, because holding onto this last thread, Lan Xichen is afraid that he'll no longer be welcome if she becomes angry as well. There is no real reason to assume that she would turn him out, but the instinct of dread still lingers as he clings to the calm she always offers him.]
I... I'm afraid it is difficult to explain. Putting it too simply would be unkind, but I do not wish to defend any wrongdoing either.
[He looks up with a smile that threatens to shatter.]
My brother is angry with me. [Lets start there.] I have not angered him in, I believe, all our lives. I feel I have betrayed him and myself.
[ She tips her head slightly as she listens. Family is, unfortunately, a place where she can claim no experience at all, but if Lan Xichen has come to her for help, than she will do her best to offer it. ]
Does he feel betrayed? [ Guilt, or a larger issue? From what she knows of her friend she can't imagine the latter, but if it is as complicated as he says than there may be multiple problems in place. ]
[Lan Xichen nods. Betrayed doesn't really cover it, but he is still trying to find his footing.]
Recently, we were reminded of something from the past. It caused a great deal of suffering and conflict among many people, my brother included. There were those that were wronged on all sides and some grudges are still being felt. We even had someone return here who also suffered greatly and he also carries resentment from what happened. But I feel those debts have already been paid.
[The last sentence comes out firmly, because he really does believe that.]
I do not condone what occurred or the injuries they suffered, but the punishments have already been met.
And your brother disagrees. [ It's a murmur, but not a question. Grace has no difficulty reading between those lines.
But she can already see how something like this might be messy enough to drive Lan Xichen to her door. Anything involving grudges and resentments rarely heals quite so cleanly as some might hope. Grace leans back to sip at her tea, taking the moment or so to put her thoughts into order. ]
Is it something you feel you -- either of you -- can move past?
[That is the most honest feeling he can express about the matter. He just doesn't know what to think.]
I tried to let go of my feelings so that at least they would be satisfied, but- when I look back, I do not see what they see. And I also have to be true to that, or else there was no reason for me to come here.
[Whether Wangji can move past the danger will just depend on Jin Guangyao, and Xichen can't say what will happen yet.]
I just wish for those things to be laid down for now. Not everything can be solved with a sword.
[ If this were any other conversation, Grace might say something teasing about perhaps swords could be useful just long enough for everyone to get it out of their systems, but she is not blind to the fact that this is very much not the time for that sort of humor. There's something about how Lan Xichen is holding himself that makes her worry that the wrong movement might shatter him entirely, and that would be a very poor way to return this sort of trust. ]
Have you told him that? Perhaps a temporary ceasefire is what you need.
[ Far be it from Grace to recommend avoidance, but perhaps just long enough to let the most volatile of emotions settle a bit. ]
[It's not so much that either Mingjue or Wangji don't care about his feelings, but that they are right about their own pain and fears. He is certainly wrong, even Jin Guangyao probably thinks as much, but what can he do?]
I am foolish. I'm sorry, Grace-jie. I've intruded with problems that must sound childish to you.
Childish? [ She can't help but laugh softly. ] No. These sorts of hurts belong to more than just children. It's a true pain, being at odds with those you care about.
[ But he does have a tendency to downplay his own emotions, her friend. As much as she'd like to convince him that he is entitled to whatever he feels, he'd come to her specifically for a chance to compose himself. It's something that makes her smile, with just a hint of something wry. ]
[Something in the words Grace chooses brings the pain back up again. Lan Xichen starts to answer, fails to find anything to say, and closes his lips again. He holds his tea half-poised, breaths coming through his teeth as he fights off any tension in his body. Once he can manages a few drinks from his cup without wavering, he tries again.]
What would you do if you could not give someone what they really wanted?
[ There comes a point where being oblique obscures meaning, but there's a safety in it that's hard to let go of. Grace wants so badly to help, but this might be another area in which she falls short. Irony, for a creature meant to inspire wants and desires.
She leans forward slowly to rest her hands in her lap, still clasped around her half-full cup. ]
Zewu-jun, I don't know. I'm sorry. I suppose the decision must eventually come whether it hurts more not to give, or to know the want goes unfulfilled.
[The warmth and kind gesture go a long way. He appreciates the gentle touch and genuine concern, things that are strangely foreign these days.]
You're right. Even if I do not have it in my power, I shouldn't be selfish. If it can be found elsewhere, then I shall try to encourage that. If not, I will do what else I can.
I'm sorry for acting so out of sorts. I have been very tired lately.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action; some time after post bonding crisis
Please... I don't want to disturb you. I just need a little time to collect myself.
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Of course. [ The response is almost automatic as she steps to the side and all but propels him through the door and towards the sitting area. Once he seems to be getting settled, Grace immediately moves to begin putting the water on for tea.
Which has the added bonus of putting the bulk of her attention elsewhere, in case he needs it for the next question. ]
Did something happen?
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I... made a judgment, but I'm afraid I wasn't prepared. I thought I knew, but I am still not close to understanding anything. I need your advice.
[Because he definitely hasn't given up this choice of his. It's a question of regaining control.]
You believe that even the most difficult experiences have merit. Has there been any you thought too hard? Any that you would give back if you could?
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There are some that I could wish were a little easier. [ She says finally as she sinks into one of the other chairs. ] But all of them have made me into who I am now. It is...hard to regret that, in it's entirety.
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Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't ask if I was interrupting you. And I should have waited. I don't have a gift... I hope you will forgive me for all of this.
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I told you that you were welcome. I didn't mean only when you bring gifts.
[ They hardly seem necessary in the first place, but she's learned to chose her battles with him, to a degree. And part of her suspects that this might be avoidance anyway. She lets the silence settle for a moment before she leans in. ]
You don't have to tell me. But I'm willing to listen, if you wish to.
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I... I'm afraid it is difficult to explain. Putting it too simply would be unkind, but I do not wish to defend any wrongdoing either.
[He looks up with a smile that threatens to shatter.]
My brother is angry with me. [Lets start there.] I have not angered him in, I believe, all our lives. I feel I have betrayed him and myself.
no subject
Does he feel betrayed? [ Guilt, or a larger issue? From what she knows of her friend she can't imagine the latter, but if it is as complicated as he says than there may be multiple problems in place. ]
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Recently, we were reminded of something from the past. It caused a great deal of suffering and conflict among many people, my brother included. There were those that were wronged on all sides and some grudges are still being felt. We even had someone return here who also suffered greatly and he also carries resentment from what happened. But I feel those debts have already been paid.
[The last sentence comes out firmly, because he really does believe that.]
I do not condone what occurred or the injuries they suffered, but the punishments have already been met.
no subject
But she can already see how something like this might be messy enough to drive Lan Xichen to her door. Anything involving grudges and resentments rarely heals quite so cleanly as some might hope. Grace leans back to sip at her tea, taking the moment or so to put her thoughts into order. ]
Is it something you feel you -- either of you -- can move past?
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[That is the most honest feeling he can express about the matter. He just doesn't know what to think.]
I tried to let go of my feelings so that at least they would be satisfied, but- when I look back, I do not see what they see. And I also have to be true to that, or else there was no reason for me to come here.
[Whether Wangji can move past the danger will just depend on Jin Guangyao, and Xichen can't say what will happen yet.]
I just wish for those things to be laid down for now. Not everything can be solved with a sword.
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Have you told him that? Perhaps a temporary ceasefire is what you need.
[ Far be it from Grace to recommend avoidance, but perhaps just long enough to let the most volatile of emotions settle a bit. ]
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[He smiles, trembling slightly as he shakes his head.]
I will speak to them again, but I suppose I just wanted to hear a warm voice for a while.
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[ Grace studies him for a moment, then smiles in return and relaxes back into the chair. If he wants to end the conversation there, she won't press. ]
Of course. I'm happy to do what I can.
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[It's not so much that either Mingjue or Wangji don't care about his feelings, but that they are right about their own pain and fears. He is certainly wrong, even Jin Guangyao probably thinks as much, but what can he do?]
I am foolish. I'm sorry, Grace-jie. I've intruded with problems that must sound childish to you.
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[ But he does have a tendency to downplay his own emotions, her friend. As much as she'd like to convince him that he is entitled to whatever he feels, he'd come to her specifically for a chance to compose himself. It's something that makes her smile, with just a hint of something wry. ]
I'm only sorry I can't offer more.
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What would you do if you could not give someone what they really wanted?
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When she speaks again, her voice is careful. ] I suppose that would depend on what they wanted. And how badly I wanted them to have it.
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[Which is about as sure has he as ever been about anything in his life.]
If I could give it, I would.
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Is it something they could find elsewhere, or from you alone?
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[And here he gives the slightest frown.]
But I would prefer not to ask someone else to do it.
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She leans forward slowly to rest her hands in her lap, still clasped around her half-full cup. ]
Zewu-jun, I don't know. I'm sorry. I suppose the decision must eventually come whether it hurts more not to give, or to know the want goes unfulfilled.
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You're right. Even if I do not have it in my power, I shouldn't be selfish. If it can be found elsewhere, then I shall try to encourage that. If not, I will do what else I can.
I'm sorry for acting so out of sorts. I have been very tired lately.
[He shakes his head as if to brush that way.]
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[ She opens her mouth, hesitates, and then pushes forward anyway. ]
Rest here, if you like.
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[He should decline respectfully and give her a chance to change the offer, but he's exhausted and falls short on the courtesy there.]
Thank you, and for listening as well.
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