seductless: (Default)
Fᴀʟʟ-Fʀᴏᴍ-Gʀᴀᴄᴇ ([personal profile] seductless) wrote2017-08-20 02:30 pm

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zewu_jun: (pic#13767775)

action; some time after post bonding crisis

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-28 06:04 pm (UTC)(link)
[Lan Xichen doesn't entirely mean to end up where he does. His thoughts are in such disarray that he isn't sure so much where he is going as to where he isn't. Going home will be putting him close to Jin Guangyao, and he doesn't want to draw close until he's managed to properly calm down and can try to soothe his friend. He can't appear in front of Nie Mingjue or Lan Wangji, because as soon as they get wind of any sort of problem, they'll assume the worst and might lash out. He needs to get his emotions under control and restore his center--and the one person he thinks of that always has a calming effect on him is blessedly not involved in his personal problems. So he ends up at Grace's door, knocking with a desperate hope that she's in and looking a little wrung out, having dried tear stains on his face and a pallid look, but determination on his face through that.]

Please... I don't want to disturb you. I just need a little time to collect myself.
zewu_jun: (pic#13795282)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-28 08:45 pm (UTC)(link)
[Although he is red eyed and still a bit shaky, Lan Xichen does manage to keep a soft voice and mostly composed appearance as far as his hair and robes are arranged. He's doing his best to maintain some look of decency after crying for what is now too many times after just getting his brothers back. That should probably be a warning sign, but he has never really noticed the correlation before.]

I... made a judgment, but I'm afraid I wasn't prepared. I thought I knew, but I am still not close to understanding anything. I need your advice.

[Because he definitely hasn't given up this choice of his. It's a question of regaining control.]

You believe that even the most difficult experiences have merit. Has there been any you thought too hard? Any that you would give back if you could?
zewu_jun: (pic#13935075)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-28 09:20 pm (UTC)(link)
[Having the contact and warmth quiets some of his desperation and Lan Xichen cradles the cup, obediently following her lead and sitting in a chair to receive the drink properly. Still scattered and not behaving as he should, he lowers his eyes, realizing he should have approached everything in respectful time and with manners first, not rushing to her like a child would. He has the presence of mind to at least be embarrassed for himself, although part of that comes from relief at hearing her say that.]

Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't ask if I was interrupting you. And I should have waited. I don't have a gift... I hope you will forgive me for all of this.
Edited 2020-04-28 21:21 (UTC)
zewu_jun: <user name="minorujoeling" site="twitter.com"> (pic#13767766)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-28 09:48 pm (UTC)(link)
[He hesitates in the pause Grace gives him, because holding onto this last thread, Lan Xichen is afraid that he'll no longer be welcome if she becomes angry as well. There is no real reason to assume that she would turn him out, but the instinct of dread still lingers as he clings to the calm she always offers him.]

I... I'm afraid it is difficult to explain. Putting it too simply would be unkind, but I do not wish to defend any wrongdoing either.

[He looks up with a smile that threatens to shatter.]

My brother is angry with me. [Lets start there.] I have not angered him in, I believe, all our lives. I feel I have betrayed him and myself.
zewu_jun: (pic#13729681)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-28 10:28 pm (UTC)(link)
[Lan Xichen nods. Betrayed doesn't really cover it, but he is still trying to find his footing.]

Recently, we were reminded of something from the past. It caused a great deal of suffering and conflict among many people, my brother included. There were those that were wronged on all sides and some grudges are still being felt. We even had someone return here who also suffered greatly and he also carries resentment from what happened. But I feel those debts have already been paid.

[The last sentence comes out firmly, because he really does believe that.]

I do not condone what occurred or the injuries they suffered, but the punishments have already been met.
zewu_jun: (pic#13795247)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-28 11:04 pm (UTC)(link)
I am not sure.

[That is the most honest feeling he can express about the matter. He just doesn't know what to think.]

I tried to let go of my feelings so that at least they would be satisfied, but- when I look back, I do not see what they see. And I also have to be true to that, or else there was no reason for me to come here.

[Whether Wangji can move past the danger will just depend on Jin Guangyao, and Xichen can't say what will happen yet.]

I just wish for those things to be laid down for now. Not everything can be solved with a sword.
zewu_jun: (pic#13725538)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 12:54 am (UTC)(link)
I do not think that answer will be so easily achieved. They are... very stubborn. And the injuries were true.

[He smiles, trembling slightly as he shakes his head.]

I will speak to them again, but I suppose I just wanted to hear a warm voice for a while.
zewu_jun: (pic#13725543)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 01:11 am (UTC)(link)
No, he would not.

[It's not so much that either Mingjue or Wangji don't care about his feelings, but that they are right about their own pain and fears. He is certainly wrong, even Jin Guangyao probably thinks as much, but what can he do?]

I am foolish. I'm sorry, Grace-jie. I've intruded with problems that must sound childish to you.
zewu_jun: (pic#13935074)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 01:49 am (UTC)(link)
[Something in the words Grace chooses brings the pain back up again. Lan Xichen starts to answer, fails to find anything to say, and closes his lips again. He holds his tea half-poised, breaths coming through his teeth as he fights off any tension in his body. Once he can manages a few drinks from his cup without wavering, he tries again.]

What would you do if you could not give someone what they really wanted?
zewu_jun: (pic#13935076)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 02:03 am (UTC)(link)
As much as I can want anything.

[Which is about as sure has he as ever been about anything in his life.]

If I could give it, I would.
zewu_jun: (pic#13935077)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 02:24 am (UTC)(link)
I... do not know. I suppose someone else might be able to.

[And here he gives the slightest frown.]

But I would prefer not to ask someone else to do it.
zewu_jun: (pic#13767772)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 03:16 am (UTC)(link)
[The warmth and kind gesture go a long way. He appreciates the gentle touch and genuine concern, things that are strangely foreign these days.]

You're right. Even if I do not have it in my power, I shouldn't be selfish. If it can be found elsewhere, then I shall try to encourage that. If not, I will do what else I can.

I'm sorry for acting so out of sorts. I have been very tired lately.

[He shakes his head as if to brush that way.]
zewu_jun: (pic#13767769)

[personal profile] zewu_jun 2020-04-29 03:26 am (UTC)(link)
You don't mind?

[He should decline respectfully and give her a chance to change the offer, but he's exhausted and falls short on the courtesy there.]

Thank you, and for listening as well.

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