[He smiles, but he keeps his head down, laughing with just a breath.]
I should not have done that. I know it was wrong, and if I were at home, I would have been punished when I awoke. Waking up to your message was a sign that I truly am far from home with nothing familiar to me.
On my way here, I thought of how the Grand Master would be upset to learn that the Sect Leader acted like a child, sneaking behind his back, and I wanted to hear it. He would be enraged.
[ There's a pause while Grace waits to see if he'll add anything else, and then another as she sips at her tea and tries to gather her thoughts. ]
I think we can't help but cling to familiarity in a place that has very little of it. [ Her voice is a little quieter as she cradles the cup in her hands again. ] And so even the things we didn't necessarily like or want, we find ourselves missing.
[ One side of her mouth tugs into a slightly dry expression. Does she mean Lan Xichen, now, or herself? Is there a difference? ]
Mm. [He waits as well, but more to see if she'll drink the tea he poured her. After a bit of finding Grace isn't drinking the tea, Xichen nods.]
But I was happy to talk to you. Even though I was wrong and I won't drink again, having you talk to me was worth it. It's different from home, but I am glad to have the experience.
Is this what you meant before? Learning from your senses?
[Maybe his experience with himself is a little less tuned than other people's, but Xichen sits up straight as he says that, as if making it a formal declaration. Or maybe he's just pleased to see her drinking the tea, who knows?]
It would be worth the punishment. I don't remember what happened, but it was worth waking up today. I believe I have seen a different perspective to the morning, and that is something I would not have known otherwise.
[ Grace keeps the cup pressed against her mouth, not particularly hiding a smile all that well. She's done this countless times, walked neophytes through the most base ideas of her faction, and every time she can't help the flash of pride when they truly understand. Lan Xichen may not be setting out to become a Sensate, but he's finding his way none the less.]
It's a good lesson. I'm glad you got something from it, even if it wasn't something you'd intended.
It was a painful lesson, but true knowledge does not come easily. I'm grateful for it.
[He's certainly not jumping into wild experiences at his rate, but he at least has a bit more of a perspective now. Maybe it isn't so bad not to expect things to end a certain way.]
[He looks unsure, although he's still smiling with the quiet acceptance he always has.]
Before, I... have been frightened, worried for my family, but I suppose I always assumed that either I would return or that it would not matter. I didn't have time to miss it.
[ Grace nods slowly to herself, and finally sets the cup back down carefully, though she keeps her hands around it. ]
There can be a bit too much time to think here, can't there?
[ The smile she gives is small, but sympathetic. From things he's said, from what's she's gathered of his sect's philosophy, Grace can guess that this is something he's been trying to suppress. ]
[Xichen smiles in return, although he doesn't seem completely convinced.]
Mm. I sometimes think of the mist in the morning. It was cold, with the smell of dew on the plants. But if I should stand too long recalling that scent and that feeling, I would never see the sun outside my room here. And I am afraid of drifting downstream.
[If he pauses now and lingers, he'll make no progress and start sliding back. It was always easier before, even during the worst of things, because he always had a foundation in a way. But now it feels like that foundation was wrong, and in a sentimental and insecure moment, it's the small things that keep holding him up.]
[Xichen pauses to consider that, then shakes his head.]
Not as good as I might be, I think. Avoiding temptation is not the same as knowing where the balance lies. And I have failed to find that in the past already.
[Several times, if he really starts counting.]
The space within my home was small. We were a significant sect, but life was simple and easy to manage. Yearning is like a vast lake. I have only stood upon a boat, never gone in it.
[ There's another slight lull, one that Grace punctuates by taking another drink. The look she gives him is a searching one, but there's undeniably something like fondness underneath. It makes it easier. ]
Take it from something of an expert, then. It becomes easier, with time.
[The quiet should be disconcerting, but Xichen is content, waiting on the wisdom of his more experienced friend. And she gives him the reassurance he wanted to hear. Just knowing that she thinks it will become easier makes his shoulders relax slightly. He leans forward and reaches out to refill her cup with the teapot, but as he moves, a small ball of fur comes darting out of his sleeve, landing on the table with an alarmed noise.]
Ah, no, don't- Come here. [The squirrel holds its ground, looking highly unamused by this change of location.]
I'm sorry. It was asleep; I didn't want to leave it.
[ It takes a not inconsiderable amount of effort for Grace to be caught completely off guard, but the sudden arrival of something small and furry seems to have done it. She blinks, having instinctively pulled her cup off the table to keep it from being overturned, then finds herself letting out a surprised laugh. ]
[ Oh dear. Grace is back to trying to cover a smile as she extends her fingers towards the squirrel, far enough away for it not to seem like a threat, hopefully. But she does seem entirely happy to patiently let it come to her. ]
[The squirrel looks between the two, taking small, sharp steps back and forth as it assesses its surroundings and tries to decide what to do. Finally, it skitters toward Grace, giving her hand a curious test sniff. It seems to keep still there, at least content to sit and not run away.]
It might be young. I feel sorry for it. It must miss its family.
[He pulls a few seeds from a pouch in his sleeve and sets them down near Grace's hand, letting the squirrel take them. It stuffs the seeds in its mouth and stays put where it is, accepting that this is its new home.]
I would take it back, but I don't remember where it came from.
I think if it was unhappy, it would have already left.
[ She's still as the squirrel settles, and then slowly and carefully extends her fingers to run them over it's head. Grace will hardly claim to be an expert on animal behavior, but it isn't acting as a trapped wild creature. ]
[The squirrel seems happy enough for a squirrel. With food and no immediate threat, it seems to adopt the weird humans as its providers. When Grace pets it, the small eyes close as if the squirrel is resting or thinking.]
Mm. I put it down before and it stayed with me. I think trying to leave it would be abandoning it, and I don't want to do that. I'm glad it came along. It seems to like you.
[Much less cute when it is throwing a furry tantrum and Xichen doesn't know what it wants. But he does smile, pleased that the two are apparently getting along.]
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[ She reaches out to take the cup but just wraps both hands around it for a long moment, letting the warmth of it sink into her palms. ]
How so?
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I should not have done that. I know it was wrong, and if I were at home, I would have been punished when I awoke. Waking up to your message was a sign that I truly am far from home with nothing familiar to me.
On my way here, I thought of how the Grand Master would be upset to learn that the Sect Leader acted like a child, sneaking behind his back, and I wanted to hear it. He would be enraged.
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I think we can't help but cling to familiarity in a place that has very little of it. [ Her voice is a little quieter as she cradles the cup in her hands again. ] And so even the things we didn't necessarily like or want, we find ourselves missing.
[ One side of her mouth tugs into a slightly dry expression. Does she mean Lan Xichen, now, or herself? Is there a difference? ]
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But I was happy to talk to you. Even though I was wrong and I won't drink again, having you talk to me was worth it. It's different from home, but I am glad to have the experience.
Is this what you meant before? Learning from your senses?
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Something like that, yes. That you best learn about yourself through the experiences you have, through how they shape you.
[ As if to punctuate the thought, she takes another drink, slowly savoring the heat of it. ]
It can be hard, sometimes. But I've found it's worth it.
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[Maybe his experience with himself is a little less tuned than other people's, but Xichen sits up straight as he says that, as if making it a formal declaration. Or maybe he's just pleased to see her drinking the tea, who knows?]
It would be worth the punishment. I don't remember what happened, but it was worth waking up today. I believe I have seen a different perspective to the morning, and that is something I would not have known otherwise.
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It's a good lesson. I'm glad you got something from it, even if it wasn't something you'd intended.
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[He's certainly not jumping into wild experiences at his rate, but he at least has a bit more of a perspective now. Maybe it isn't so bad not to expect things to end a certain way.]
I have never been homesick.
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[ The look she gives him over the rim of the cup turns a bit more curious. It seems enough of a non-sequitur to make her wonder where it might lead. ]
Are you now?
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[He looks unsure, although he's still smiling with the quiet acceptance he always has.]
Before, I... have been frightened, worried for my family, but I suppose I always assumed that either I would return or that it would not matter. I didn't have time to miss it.
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There can be a bit too much time to think here, can't there?
[ The smile she gives is small, but sympathetic. From things he's said, from what's she's gathered of his sect's philosophy, Grace can guess that this is something he's been trying to suppress. ]
It's alright to miss things.
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Mm. I sometimes think of the mist in the morning. It was cold, with the smell of dew on the plants. But if I should stand too long recalling that scent and that feeling, I would never see the sun outside my room here. And I am afraid of drifting downstream.
[If he pauses now and lingers, he'll make no progress and start sliding back. It was always easier before, even during the worst of things, because he always had a foundation in a way. But now it feels like that foundation was wrong, and in a sentimental and insecure moment, it's the small things that keep holding him up.]
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You can yearn for a thing and not be consumed by it, I think.
[ There is just the slightest sardonic edge to her smile. Strange words, from a creature who trades in all-consuming desire. Or is meant to. ]
It's about finding a balance. You're good at that sort of thing, I thnk.
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Not as good as I might be, I think. Avoiding temptation is not the same as knowing where the balance lies. And I have failed to find that in the past already.
[Several times, if he really starts counting.]
The space within my home was small. We were a significant sect, but life was simple and easy to manage. Yearning is like a vast lake. I have only stood upon a boat, never gone in it.
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Take it from something of an expert, then. It becomes easier, with time.
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Ah, no, don't- Come here. [The squirrel holds its ground, looking highly unamused by this change of location.]
I'm sorry. It was asleep; I didn't want to leave it.
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Well. Who's this, then?
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[Xichen is distraught. This is clearly not something he's used to happening with his tea.]
When I awoke, it was curled up on my chest. I must have picked it up.
[It's as likely as anything, really.]
I thought it would stay asleep. It seemed calm before.
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Well, it certainly seems fond of you.
[ Considering it hasn't already bolted. ]
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It might be young. I feel sorry for it. It must miss its family.
[He pulls a few seeds from a pouch in his sleeve and sets them down near Grace's hand, letting the squirrel take them. It stuffs the seeds in its mouth and stays put where it is, accepting that this is its new home.]
I would take it back, but I don't remember where it came from.
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[ She's still as the squirrel settles, and then slowly and carefully extends her fingers to run them over it's head. Grace will hardly claim to be an expert on animal behavior, but it isn't acting as a trapped wild creature. ]
Do you plan to keep it?
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Mm. I put it down before and it stayed with me. I think trying to leave it would be abandoning it, and I don't want to do that. I'm glad it came along. It seems to like you.
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[ And she certainly does look it, still petting the squirrel with a slightly enamored expression. ]
It is terribly cute.
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[Much less cute when it is throwing a furry tantrum and Xichen doesn't know what it wants. But he does smile, pleased that the two are apparently getting along.]
I suppose it will need training as well.
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[ And Grace seems rather pleased with that as she grins up at him. ]
I'm going to guess you haven't either?
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